It's well after midnight and I can't seem to get to sleep. My newborn on the other hand is sound asleep. I look at him and I still can not believe that he is mine. He is so tiny and so helpless yet he already has a personality. He smiles and his dimples melt my heart, and when I see his dimples I know he is of me. I have those dimples and so does my 4 year old daughter.
And tonight as I lay in bed with my lap top before me I think of my oldest daughter. She has dimples but they arent as deep. I think she knows this and I think it bothers her a little bit that she is so different from me. She didnt get my curly hair or deep dimples yet her little sister and brother did. She was not named after me yet her little sister has my middle name. I try to reasure her that she is just as special to me as her always active on the run little sister and her newborn brother but I cant help but wonder if she believes me. I cant help but wonder if she feels as though she was replaced.
She is 12 now and she is almost as tall as me. Her feet are almost as big as mine. She is not exactly small enough to fit on my lap anymore, and I also wonder if this hurts her because when I look in her eyes as she sees her smaller siblings on my lap or in my arms I see a longing. A longing to be that little girl who was an only child for seven and a half years. That little girl who would climb on my lap for a long sweet snuggle. That little girl whom every night I would climb in bed with to read a bed time story to. That little girl that had my undivided attention for so long.
For the past 4 years her life has been a world wind of change. Bed time stories are now held in her sisters room on the floor maybe once a week if we are not running late for bed. The long snuggles are now a standing bear hug. The undivied attention is now unevenly divided among the three with the newborn getting the lions share. I know she understands why the smaller ones need more of me, but I also know she yearns for more of me as well but she doesnt dare ask for it.
One thing she does seem to always do is want to compete against her little sister for almost every thing. Even something as simple as brining in the newspaper turns into a cahllenge between the two. Perhaps its her way of showing me that she is still here and she is still special. Her little sister is having her own issues with the arrival of the baby. But tonight my focus is on my eldest. And what to say about the baby? He is only a few weeks old, he is completely helpless. So how does my oldest compete with this or with them? She doesnt.
She sits back quietly and smiles when she notices that I noticed her looking as one of the "little kids" has my attention. She doesnt trully realize yet, how much I love her and thank God for her. She is my sweet angel and she means the world to me. With out her gentle nature our life would be so much more hectic than it already is. She has that gentle way of slowing me down. I should mention that she is my slow poke. Slow to eat, slow to walk, slow to run, and slow to hurry. I, am slowly realizing that she is my daily reminder from God to stop hurrying and just slow down. Slow down enough to appreaciate all of the gifts that my family and I have been blessed with. That old saying comes to mind; "take the time to stop and smell the roses."
And as I end this thought I fight the urge to climb in bed with her she has school in the morning. So tonight I end with this.
She may not have inherited my grandmothers name of Rose, or my impatient, spit fire attitude but, she has been blessed in other more meaningful ways. She is true to herself, gentle and kind, caring and obidient. I hope that one day not only will she hear me each time I tell her that I love her, which is daily, but that she will be able to feel it deep down in her soul. I pray that she may know that although she sits a little further down the sofa from me that I can still see her, I see every good thing about her, every perfect thing about her, I can see her soul! What more can a mother ask for? NOTHING! From her, I have it all. Fom her I have a little piece of heaven.
I love you Kayla, with all my heart and soul.